2013

It's another year, a year that is filled with dreams and hopes and wishes. I hope 2013 is not like 2012. I hope it's not like 2011, 2010. I wish it wasn't going to be like 2008.
I want 2013 to be 2013, the year when new things happen. Not the same old drag of sadness weighing down my every movement. This year I want to work on being authentic, on expression and my relationships.
I want to be myself, no matter how difficult that may be for the people in my life.
I want to express myself, to start drawing and writing again. To take a dance class even though I've never really moved with purpose.
I want to nurture and strengthen relationships. I think it's time to start thinking about all the people I had to cut out of my life to focus on The Big Problem. To invite them all in, one at a time, slowly. Telling them small things, small changes and letting them provide their friendship in a loving and honest way.

Unfortunately, this year has not started on a high note. I love a man and he loves me and it is difficult. Loving isn't the difficult part, I guess the living is more so. Living and Loving have presented a myriad of problems. At the beginning we worked together on our Life, the hierachy ever changing. Then it slowly evolved into a state of two different lives, two different sentient beings with different needs, purposes and values. As much as I would like to be One, I know it's necessary to leave room to breathe. Leave room to love and miss. What happens in January will not set the tone for the year, it is only January. It is one month. It is not my life, it is not a blueprint, it is not fate.